I’m here, are you?

I woke up yesterday with a cold sore. My lip was swollen and blistery and I was pretty sure the world was ending.

Turns out I’m still here. I think everyone else is, too. Apparently, the Mayans weren’t trying to predict anything; they just got sick of calendar-making.

Don’t think I wasn’t worried, though. I was raised on Revelations and rapture movies, so I stayed up last night just in case.

For my final moments of life I want to be awake, eyes open, and even if I don’t get to go up up up (like if I haven’t been chosen or if I haven’t tried hard enough to believe) I still want to wave goodbye to the people I love. How sad I would feel to watch them lifting off into the sky, legs and arms dangling. Me left alone.

When I was birthing my daughter, I remember feeling relieved, but also so empty when I felt her leave my body. She had separated from me. She was no longer a part of me. She cried. The doctor sat her on my belly, where she used to be, only now on the outside. The familiar weight of her gave me comfort, but I missed us being one.

Sometimes I wonder if God is what we came from. Like a Mother. Within God we were all connected, the way my daughter was part of me once. I hope we go back to being together someday. I don’t want to be left alone. Separate.

I’m in Alaska visiting my parents. 12/21/12 is almost over. I can hear my dad downstairs watching TV too loud. The world’s not ending anymore, and all the focus has turned to the “fiscal cliff.” We always seem to be on the verge of doom.

solstice

Winter solstice sun out my parents’ window

The sun made a brief appearance today, but is already gone. Winter solstice squeezed the day, made it tiny.

I read that a group of folks gathered around some Mayan ruins claiming today symbolized a new start, that the Mayans meant this day to represent the dawn of a better time. Okay. If you believe it…

My cold sore is healing, so that’s better.

The truth is my life is good to the point that I’m ashamed. I have running water, sewer, ample food, my health, warmth, shelter, family. Not everyone has those things.

I feel kinda empty, like when my daughter emerged from me. Relief and joy mingled with a strange sadness–the sad of being helpless.

I can’t right the wrongs in this world. How will tomorrow be better?

Here’s what I can do: I can hold the door for people at the store. I can give up a parking spot. I can write without fear. I can choose non-profit organizations that bring others the comforts I enjoy and support them financially. I can hug my daughter, pull her close. I can love better.

Maybe these are small things, but I am small. So I stretch. I reach out as far as I can.

14 thoughts on “I’m here, are you?

    • Aw, thanks, Dawn. I’ve been crazy…traveling and visiting my parents in Alaska. How are you? I need to pop over and catch up with you. All my spare time has been put to finishing holiday cards and trying to answer the unexpected comment storm from getting Freshly Pressed. What a surprising gift!

        • Check out the post on my friend dying. I’m still working on replying to all the comments. I know you were Freshly Pressed, too. How was that? Am I supposed to do anything special? How long did it take you to answer all the comments? Wow. Happy New Year to you! Yes, let’s do something in real life in 2013!

        • Oh wow! Is it the same post that I reblogged and sent referred people to? I got tons of likes and comments on that one… it was a fabulous post Meagan. Very stirring and well written. Congratulations!

          I did answer all of my comments and there were well over 300… it took a while, but I did them as they came in, pretty much. It is a crazy thing being FP’ed, but a good crazy. You deserve it for sure.

          2013… a date. ;-) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  1. Beautiful and profound. Quite a combination.

    What you seek is possible. But now God has done His part, and allows us to choose the rest. Stay close to God, teach her to do the same and she will later stay close to both you and God.

    Invest your time with your daughter while you can still be the “Signifiant other” in her young impressionable life. It’s an investment you’ll never regret.

    But do not allow “being a friend” take rule over being her MOM. At times “tough-love” is the cement that binds.

    God Bless you and your’s, working4christ2 Merry Christmas

  2. Lovely writing. I felt the same way after my boys (twins) were born and whisked away in incubators… They were outside of me and I couldn’t protect them anymore… It was such an empty and helpless feeling. I’ve been meaning to write a post about it, but I think you’ve captured the sentiment better than I could…

    Your ideas for righting the wrongs in the world are great ones. If only everyone followed them, the world would be a better place! I will join you in trying to do better with these things! Thanks for the ideas and for your post…

    • Thank you, Amy! Mostly I write in spite of my fears. Or maybe I write in response to my fears. Whatever the case, I have a lot of material because I am afraid of a lot of things. I guess we are similar that way.

      BTW, I super love your About page and the whole idea of your blog, Lucky Wreck. You are cool. And funny. And you look good in a hat.

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