Five Reasons A Person Can’t Blog

DO NOT do any of these if blogging is important to you!

Ok, truth: this is really a list of five stupid things that have kept ME from blogging for the past month…

1. I got in a fight. Not like punching or anything. My mom and I drove to Idaho with my daughter and bunked at my oldest cousin’s house. We arrived late, but stayed up talking. My cousin said things about gay men and the government. The throbbing in my ears blocked out most of what he said (even my face was pulsating), but I felt like clawing and crying and driving the six hours back to my house. I didn’t, though. My mom tried to make it better by bringing God into the foray. I’m still not sure whose side God was on, but all the hubbub caused me to lose control of basic functions, like speaking and hearing and maintaining a resting heart rate. I couldn’t blog during that whole trip. 

2. I  went to a slumber party. Me and some other lady writers rented a little cottage at Alderbrook Resort for three days. Super awesome. The resort sits along the picturesque Hood Canal. They have a pool, steam room, and sauna. We stayed up late and listened to nineties dance music while we wrote about traumatic stuff.  It was kinda like Girls Gone Wild meets Joyce Carol Oates. I wrote exclusively on my novel; I couldn’t blog.

Me with my writing mentor, Scott Nadelson.

Me with my writing mentor, Scott Nadelson.

3. My teacher spent the night. This sounds worse than it really was. In my MFA program, we work directly with established writers who act as our mentors for a year. My mentor for this year just published a memoir, and because  I help coordinate a local reading series (Gray Skies), my mentor drove here from another state to read at the series from the memoir. He stayed the night at my house. In the GUEST ROOM, for those who were thinking untoward things.

But anyway, I was stressed out about having my mentor at my messy house, making sure people showed up for the event, and making sure my mentor didn’t find out that I am barely capable of functioning appropriately in social situations. It was all fine, but for the whole week I couldn’t blog.

This is a photo from the commercial filming. I am the curly-haired girl with my feet in the water.

This is a photo from the commercial filming. I am the curly-haired girl with my feet in the water.

4. I was in a commercial for a casino spa. Fer reals. I wore a fluffy white bathrobe. Unfortunately, the out-of-norm focus on my physical self resulted in a shame spiral only Kim Kardashian could understand. Except that Kim’s Larger-Than-Hollywood-Girl-Standard body is on every smut mag in the grocery store and my two seconds of bathrobed fame may only be glimpsed by guests of the casino hotel. Or nobody. Or possibly every TV watcher in Washington. I don’t know. I couldn’t blog because I felt so bad about myself. For weeks! Just thinking about it now makes my eyelid twitch.

5. My eyelid is twitching. Incessantly. Unrelentingly. And it’s been like this for nearly a month. I went to an eye doctor who launched into a speech about how EVERYONE gets twitches sometimes, even HIM, and how we just need to wait these things out, blah blah blah. While he finished lecturing me, I gave him the (twitchy) Stink Eye. Later that day, I received an unsolicited email from him in which he apologized for “his shortcomings for not making the visit as satisfactory as we would have both wanted,” but made it clear that he is “confident in his diagnosis” that I have an eye twitch and offered to waive the co-pay so that I can see another optometric physician if I wanted. I already know I have an eye twitch and what I want is for it to go away.

I had a twitch like this once before, maybe a year or two ago, and was given a steroid, which worked back then, so I am now self-medicating with leftover drops of Fluorometholone. Should I keep doing this? Should I write the “optometric physician” back? I don’t know. The twitch has now diminished enough for me to blog. So I’m blogging.

Baby steps…

23 thoughts on “Five Reasons A Person Can’t Blog

  1. Oh Boy, do you need therapy girl! Just kidding. I read the Five Things You Should Never Ask a Lap Dancer…oh, No, that’s the wrong blog, so sorry. Let me start over. I read your list of five no-nos for bloggers and frankly, my dear, I don’t see anything that indicates neurosis, or for that matter, neuritis, neuralgia, or neutrality. So you almost voided your bladder because of your moron cousin. Big deal; at least you didn’t shoot him in front of your Mom and Olivia. I think you showed a great amount of self-control. Myself, I, would have slapped the slot right out of his little neo-conservative, homophobic mug. And you got a little nervous when Scott came to stay; another NBD. What I really took an interest in, although…..was the bathrobe shots. Now I know it was you I saw in the YouTube video that went viral over the weekend. You should have been told about the hidden camera in the dressing room; that was very unprofessional of them. But worth every minute of air time!! I’m so glad you’re back on track and blogging away again. Love You!
    Yours truly,

    • Hi Dawn… It’s nice to be back in this world. But while away, I very much enjoyed reading about your travels. Even while on my own blogging hiatus, I was able to read a few posts here and there. I love how you get out in the world and experience it! Keep it up!!!

  2. All of #5 had me laughing out loud (especially the twitchy stink eye). I hope your eye is back to behaving normally soon. I sometimes get a twitchy eye, but it only lasts for a day or two. It’s definitely annoying. I chalk it up to stress, but I always feel stressed, so I’m not sure why it happens only sometimes. I guess I should just be grateful that it’s not constant.

  3. Well, you are funny! Your slumber party sounds beyond awesome and if you actually wrote on your novel rather than just visiting and being girls, that’s impressive and wonderful too, And back when you started this blog, you were posting bits of story, so had you really wanted to blog during your _Writer retreat_ (not slumber party), you could have treated us to a snippet-teaser.
    That’s so neat you had Scott come up! I envy you the opportunity to see your mentor mid-year. Although I guess I’m just next door to Michigan right now, compared to being in Homer. I should just skip on over! I hope your experience with Scott continued to be as positive as it was being.
    And–I could probably add a few to your list of reasons not to blog:
    6) Fly long haul three times in three weeks. That’ll do it.
    7) Start a blog on a new blogging platform, intending to migrate the old one, the day before your grandmother dies. In addition to long-haul flights this leaves you with two blogs where two is not better than one, like an owl’s eyes on a mouse.
    8) Oh god, participate in a month of specifically themed posts with inane prompts, which instead of increasing your readership turns people off.
    9) Go through so many life changes you can’t even remember what it is you’re supposed to be blogging about, blogs from a year ago having a whole different focus, and gag yourself with the odor of narcissus,
    10) Live somewhere with no internet connection. It can be done, but you have to be so organized–know every single hotspot for miles around, prewrite as much of it as possible with your computer battery’s lifespan in mind…I’m so glad home internet is one of my baselines now.
    You think?


    • Love your list, Ela. 🙂

      YES, the slumber party was way fabulous–kinda like residency but shorter with only girls and in a resort on the waterfront. I did get some good writing done, but I’m in an excruciatingly slow phase right now, so it wasn’t as much production as I would have liked.

      Scott is still lovely. My last packet is due the end of this month. How about you?

      Hoping you have consistent internet access…

      • Thanks, Meagan. Yes, internet access seems to be a welcome constant anymore.
        Your retreat sounds like a treat!
        I don’t know how we did it, but I sent Fleda my final packet a month or so ago; that was just the schedule we worked out at the residency. I’m allowed to send some last things and ask some last questions–big conceptual changes afoot for me, I think.

        I’d love to hear more about your experience too–looking forward to comparing notes whenever the time comes.

        • Congrats on being done, Ela. I’m still fussing with my last packet. Hoping to get it in early enough that I can use Scott’s comments to inform what I send for workshop. Comparing notes would be very fun! Less than three months, right?

        • I think there’s a point at which you have to let it go. Of course I’m afraid I’ve always let it go way too soon–whenever I listen to other people I feel like I sent work in way underprepared and sloppy, but now I have three months to make it all finer.
          So soon, yes! On the other hand, still a ways off.
          We could talk by phone sometime between now and then, just to catch up.

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