But I don’t need to punch or overpower or behead anybody, right? I can just slump over, make my ugly face, and tell you.
Today’s List of Foul Stuff
- My broken-in-half pear tree on account of a butthole pigface black bear (this is actually two foul things: wrecked tree + rude bear).
- The jury summons staring at me from the stack of papers cluttering my desk (also two things, but mainly the clutter, cuz being on a jury could be cool).
- The broken string on my daughter’s cello.
- Cat poo on my husband’s office chair. (A theme.)
- How my computer won’t recognize my phone so I have 5,961 phone-slowing photos that I can’t download.
Unloading the dishwasherAll housework, especially dusting. The Craig’s List person who won’t return my email re: their Dwarf Nigerian Goats for sale.(nevermind. she just emailed.)
- The idea of going on a one-way trip to Mars to never ever ever return home. SUPER DEPRESSING. (Heard about this on the radio this morning, but can’t find the radio story.)
- The gross bikini barista coffee stand we drive by every day on the way to middle school where I take my daughter to learn stuff so she doesn’t have to PUT ON A BIKINI AND HAWK COFFEE TO SOME PERVERT when she grows up.
- The call I just answered from some guy I don’t know asking me to send money to blah blah noble cause and making me feel simultaneously hoodwinked/guilty/pissed/sad/psychopathic.
- How my hair is old-ladyish, my throat is sore (again), I can’t process sugar, and my best friend Caffeine is turning me into crazy. Someone plz educate me about doing a cleanse. *sips cola*
- That article I just read in which some snobbypants guy dogs authors who write in first-person present-tense.
- The distracting won’t-go-away memory of yesterday when I was late picking my daughter up from volleyball and how I freaked out and over-apologized to her until she told me to get over it and probably I added a year of therapy to her adult life.
- Airstrikes, beheadings, sex trafficking, campus rape, stolen schoolgirls, a guy punching a girl in the face in an elevator then dragging her around and the jilliongazillion horrible violent things in the world I CAN’T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT.
- How I waste time–peruse random Craig’s List ads, read depressing news, email the music store about the rented cello’s broken string, screw around on Facebook, make mac and cheese then not eat it, pet the dog, pet the cat, retweet dumb stuff bc I can’t think of anything good to tweet, write this boring blog post–doing ANYTHING to get out of editing my stupid first-person present-tense novel that I may never finish for obvious reasons. I should add goats to the revision.
Sorry to put you through all this. You’re a good person for listening. Thank you. MOAR GOATS. BAAAAA!
*photo courtesy of that Craig’s List add.